


Doc, there's a hole where something was

by notquiteascrazy



Series: Song Fics [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Apparently I write angst now?, Canon Compliant, Drunk Magnus Bane, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Magnus needs a hug, Malec proposal gone wrong, Powerless Magnus Bane, Song Lyrics, Tags Are Hard, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Why magnus got drunk, reliance on alcohol, this hurt to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:37:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24950134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquiteascrazy/pseuds/notquiteascrazy
Summary: Trying to explain the feeling of losing his magic to non-Warlocks was next to impossible. When they were together, it was easy to pretend that the future didn’t terrify him. But as soon as Alec left him alone, he spiralled.Or: why Magnus got drunk before the attempted proposal (Episode 3x17)
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Song Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805695
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	Doc, there's a hole where something was

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes by Fall Out Boy
> 
> Every time I hear it, I just think of this episode of Shadowhunters and I finally sat down to put it all together into this...

_ I'm coming apart at the seams _

_ Pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams _

_ Like buzz, buzz, buzz _

_ Doc, there's a hole where something was _

_ Doc, there's a hole where something was _

Magnus sipped again at his whisky, as he slumped at Alec’s dressing table. He blinked briefly, before slamming his eyes shut once more. While there were reminders of Alec scattered around - a photo of him, Jace, Izzy & Max on the desk, a shirt slung over the wardrobe door, a spare quiver propped in the corner - it wasn’t enough to distract from the fact that it was still the Institute. 

Alec had done his best to welcome Magnus, make him feel at home here. But the reality was, this was Shadowhunter territory and Magnus was nothing but a downworlder. Not just any downworlder, a recently demoted downworlder without his powers. A sob racked through his body and he clenched his fist tighter around the tumbler in his hand.

He’d almost had a second chance to get his old life back, a transfusion of Lorenzo’s magic had eased some of the pain of losing his own. The magic had felt wrong inside him, greasy almost, but it was magic none the less. It allowed him to at least pretend things were somewhere close to how they used to be, somewhere close to ‘normal’.

He had never admitted to anyone that the magic hadn’t felt right, even when it had been hurting him. He still even struggled to admit it to himself now it was gone. The slimy feeling hadn’t quite faded yet where the magic had clung inside him but he still felt empty without it.

Trying to explain the feeling of losing his magic to non-Warlocks was next to impossible. Even likening it to deruning for a Shadowhunter didn’t feel quite comparable. Shadowhunter’s time on this earth was fleeting in comparison and Magnus had lost a part of him that had defined his very being for 400 plus years. There was no way to make Alec understand, try as his boyfriend might.

When they were together, it was easy to pretend that the future didn’t terrify him. They could get wrapped up in plans to find an apartment together, to live out their mortal lives together.  _ Mortal _ , that world still felt alien to Magnus. Another sob wracked through his body.

_ Oh, I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine _

_ What a match _

_ I'm half doomed and you're semi-sweet _

As soon as Alec had gone to work, while just down the hall, reality had set back in. He’d been unable to keep the illusion up without witnesses here. Alec’s position within the Institute only serving to remind Magnus of all he had lost. He didn’t begrudge Alec his success. For someone so young he’d made incredible changes to the way Shadowhunters interacted with the downworld. They were no longer against one another, but instead, working together. While the Clave was still problematic, there was more hope for the future than ever before. He was proud beyond measure. But he also knew that he would never be a part of building that future, not now he was mundane.

He knew he was spiralling, he knew he needed to bring himself back to reality somehow. Looking around desperately for something, anything, that would get him out of his current loop his eyes settled on the photo strip from that silly booth in Tokyo. He reached out and pulled them from where they were blue tacked to the wall, He ran his fingers, messily polished ( _ seriously, without magic everything was just harder _ ), over the photos enjoying the sappy smiles and silly faces staring up at him. That had been so early in their relationship, but even then, Alec had unlocked something in him. It was a shame that version of Magnus no longer existed.

Maybe that was why Alec had been acting strange recently, maybe he could tell that the spark that was  _ Magnus  _ was gone, disappeared forever along with his cat-eyes and everything that made him  _ him _ . It was only a matter of time before Alec realised that the Magnus he fell in love with was never coming back. 

Lifting his tumbler to his lips again and finding it empty, he frowned in confusion. His eyebrows knitted together as he tilted his head back and tried to shake the last drops of the amber liquid into his mouth. He knew he was drunker than he should be. His tolerance had apparently been tied to his magic in some way if the unsteadiness he felt was anything to go by. Had he had his powers, he would have simply magicked himself at least partway sober but as that wasn’t an option, he would simply have to find more alcohol. There was a logic in that somewhere, he was sure...

_ So boycott love _

_ Detox just to retox _

_ And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life _

Finding more alcohol would involve leaving this room he realised with a groan. He rifled through the top drawer of the dresser, which Alec had kindly cleared for him, and pulled out an eyeliner pencil. Leaning in close to the mirror and holding his breath as if it would steady his hand he applied the kohl to first one eye then the other. As he’d once told Alec “ _ A tiger has stripes, I have eyeliner _ ”. When it was as even as it was going to get in his current state, he crossed to the wardrobe and pulled open the doors to appraise his options. While he might feel more lost than he’d ever felt in his life, he was damned if he was going to let any Shadowhunter see a single chink in his armour.

Settling on black pants with a dark maroon shirt he dressed as swiftly as he could, fingers only shaking slightly as he attempted the buttons. He donned a charcoal jacket and pocketed his phone. 

He’d reached the door before realising that his ensemble didn’t quite have the put-together feel he was going for, no one would believe everything was fine if he forgot to add at least a little bit of flair. He returned to the dresser and grabbed a matching maroon pocket square, haphazardly tucking it into the breast pocket of his jacket.

Magnus surveyed himself in the full-length mirror attached to the wardrobe. OK, so there were two of him, and they were swaying slightly, but he looked the part, and that was the important thing.

He stuck his head out the door, looking both directions to ensure the way was clear of any annoying Shadowhunters before exiting the room. Striding with all the confidence he didn’t feel, he made his way to the training room. Checking first to see the coast was clear, he quickly hurried to the corner where he knew that there was a slight alcove behind one of the benches. Glancing around again to ensure he wouldn’t get caught where he had no business being, he reached down and snagged the bottle of vodka he knew Jace stashed there. He lifted it to eye level and swirled it around the bottle, there was barely a couple of fingers worth left, but it was something. He tucked it into his jacket pocket and nonchalantly strolled back into the halls.

He made his next stop the lab, knowing Izzy liked to keep a flask of tequila on hand for after particularly grizzly autopsies. So far he hadn’t encountered a single other person on this floor of the Institute. He was counting himself lucky that it was that time where dayshift patrols had gone straight to the canteen to eat and the nightshift teams were already making their way out to keep the streets of New York safe.

Grabbing Izzy’s hipflask, he was about to turn and make his exit when the door opened. Tucking the flask into his trouser pocket, he turned with a flourish.

“Magnus, what are you doing in here?” Izzy asked with confusion.

“Looking for you, of course, my dear,” Magnus replied, thinking on his feet and using his most charming smile.

“But Alec is waiting for you on the roof, he told me you two had plans together this evening?” she continued, her brow furrowed.

“Ahh, yes, silly me,” Magnus cursed internally. He had forgotten that Alec had suggested a romantic dinner this evening. He wracked his brain for a moment for any way to explain this which wouldn’t arouse too much suspicion.

“Your darling brother was incredibly cryptic this morning. So I just wanted to run my outfit choice by you in the hopes that you would know what he had planned and tell me if I’m appropriately dressed?” He ad-libbed.

She stepped over, smoothing the lapels of his blazer and straightening the pocket square. “You look great Magnus, you know that.” She smiled kindly at him, “I know you don’t feel yourself right now, but Alec loves you. He loves  _ everything _ about you. You could show up covered in ichor, wearing an orange boilersuit and he’d probably still look at you like you’re the most handsome man on earth.”

Magnus felt his cheeks heat slightly, “Thank you, Isabelle. This was just the pep talk I needed. I best go find your brother”

“You’re welcome Magnus, have a magical night!” 

Magnus froze in the doorway briefly, glancing back over his shoulder aghast. Izzy realised the impact her words had, she winced at him apologetically. He just shook his head sadly and let the door slide shut behind him. 

Fighting to keep his breathing even, he hurried over to the bank of elevators and hammered on the call button until one of the doors slid open. Waiting for the couple of Shadowhunters to exit, he quickly hurried in and punched a finger at the door close button.

Slumping back against the wall of the lift, he allowed himself a moment to just sob. He knew Izzy meant nothing by the comment but it had still been another addition to his day of self-loathing. The pity in her eyes was just the icing on the cake really. He wouldn’t have a magical evening, he never would again.

“Cheers Isabelle,” he murmured, pulling her hipflask from his pocket and taking a deep swig of the fiery liquor.

Shaking his head slightly as if to clear the thoughts away, he straightened up from where he was slumped and rolled his shoulders back. Swiping a finger under each eye to ensure that his eyeliner wasn’t too smudged, he pressed the button to take him to the top floor.

_ Imperfect boys _

_ With their perfect ploys _

_ Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy _

His boyfriend was waiting for him and Magnus was determined to hold himself together, at least for the evening.

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously we all know how that evening turned out 😭😭😭😭😭
> 
> Want to chat to other Malec fans? Come hang out in the [Malec Discord Server](https://discord.gg/5nBgEp8)!


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